The Meaning of Moments — Kelley McCabe

I’ve gone through life living for “big moments”. It may have started when I was 12 and first drove the station wagon around the farm in Ohio. I was hooked… and couldn’t wait for my 16th birthday for the freedom associated with having my own wheels. I don’t actually remember that first moment of driving “freedom” – although it undoubtedly happened.

However, I do remember how much I looked forward to graduating from high school. That was supposed to be a moment of freedom, too… but what I remember is the stress of being prepared to execute my many mini-parts in the graduation performance and the feeling of anxiety throughout as I anticipated walking in front of hundreds of people to receive my diploma. There was almost certainly a moment of grandeur there… I just don’t remember it.

What I’ve thought about lately are the big moments I do remember. The moments that were unbelievably exciting and noteworthy at the time and now seem impossible… or worse: a waste of time. For example, there was the magical moment of my (ex) husband’s first kiss. How could that momentous occasion have evolved into the barely polite and stilted relationship we have now?
I’ve blogged about the anticipation of my wedding day – and what a disastrous affair that turned out to be. But prior to the big day were other big moments… such as the day we picked out our china pattern…

I remember my mother urging me to select a date for china picking. With finishing graduate school at night, a demanding job, and a 4 hour daily commute, going shopping for china never quite made it to the top of the list. Finally, my mother informed me that the wedding day was almost upon us and guests were making inquiries about what gifts the newlywed couple might need. Need… that was a funny idea for two people who’d been living on their own for a number of years. What we needed was a roomy dumpster – not another champagne bucket (for the record – we ended up with 5). I was slow on the uptake, but when I finally realized I “needed” china… a time for this momentous event was scheduled for a Saturday morning.

I remember the moment well. My mother, fiancé, and I went to Saks Fifth Avenue in White Plains. We pored over what seemed to be hundreds of china patterns. Initially I thought the objective was to pick out something I liked… but it turned out there was far more to this big decision. For one, I had my fiancé and his preferences to take into account. That seemed fair enough… but who knew there were so many other things to consider?? For one, it turns out that one must visualize ornate china, covered with lovely, delicate flower patterns, as it might appear with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce spread all over it… I was advised to select a pattern that had no decorations in the center. I had to think about a pattern’s robustness in the face of repeated dishwashings (some couldn’t go in the dishwasher at all). And there was cost to consider; it just wouldn’t do to ask a guest to fork over $400 for a single place setting of china. In addition, we had to look at each pattern from the perspective of popularity and design – it hardly made sense to purchase china that would be discontinued in a year or two. I don’t actually remember all the fine points of making this selection, but I do recall it was a long, harrowing ordeal. Still, when my fiancé and I had agreed on a moderately priced china pattern that had a classic, “never go out of style” look to it, I had the sense of accomplishing a life-time goal. I would never have to worry about china again…

I remember how pleased I was to end up with 14 full place settings of china as wedding presents. I wrote thank-you notes with a great sense of appreciation… when the wedding dust settled, we would be able to hold large dinner parties and use our beautiful china. Now what we needed was a dining room table that would seat 14 – and the dining room to go with it.

We did enjoy those dishes over the next decade. They were carefully packed and re-packed to accommodate 4 moves. The lovely gold-leafing added to the grace and style of the plates – no matter that in the end they had to be hand washed. The pattern was indeed discontinued after 7 or 8 years which required a major investment to obtain the matching serving bowls, gravy boat, cream and sugar bowl, and platters. But many a happy meal was shared over those plates – gravy, cranberry sauce and all.

With the demise of our marriage, my ex-husband and I set about dividing the results of our union. Most of our energy, of course, went into the question of our children. But there were homes, furniture, cars, gifts and heirlooms to divvy up as well. What to do with the hand-made bench crafted by one of our best friends? Or the marble fireplace set given by the couple we had spent so much time with? The delicate candelabra given us by my beloved grandmother? Or the artwork memorializing love, births, and anniversaries? The truth was I wanted it all… In the end, I gave up the china.

I’m not sure what happened to that china. I know my ex took it with him to his first abode after our divorce. But ultimately I think his new wife failed to see its charm and beauty and I think our lovely china made its way to a second hand shop. Other china came my way without any planning or thought. A close family friend’s wife died suddenly – before her new set of china was even delivered. I received the unopened boxes. A few years later my grandmother died and I received her china as well… and once again I have more china than I would ever want to prepare a meal for.

But I’ve been thinking about that Saturday consumed by the “big china decision”, my perceptions, conclusions, and how it all worked out, and I wonder… when I look back on the things that are so incredibly important today, is it possible I will have a different perspective in 10 or 20 years?