Building Emotional Intelligence and Fostering Resilience in Children — Linda Lantieri

We are learning from recent brain science that children’s brains go through major growth up until their mid-twenties and their neural circuits are shaped by the day-to-day experiences they have. Children who are well-nurtured and whose parents and teachers help them learn how to calm down when they are upset, for instance, seem to develop greater strength in the brain’s circuitry for managing distress and will be less likely to act on aggressive impulses.

Parents can play a key role in supporting their children’s emotional intelligence by encouraging them to be in touch with their emotional selves. The challenge, however, is that most often the way we were raised determines how we act as parents, unless we solicit support to learn another way. For example, although we may have the best of intentions, we sometimes reject children’s feelings by making dismissive remarks such as “Stop crying, there is nothing to be afraid of.” In all likelihood, these are the words our own parents said to us growing up.

The emotional lessons about cultivating inner strength that children learn from the adults in their lives are powerful and long-lasting. When adults ignore their children’s feelings, children come to believe their feelings are not important. When we repeatedly threaten or punish children for a display of emotion, children learn that emotions are dangerous things that need to be held inside and hidden - an invitation to later depression or rage. When adults are unable to show angry and destructive children other ways of expressing emotion and managing their feelings, children learn it is acceptable to strike out at others or have a tantrum to get what they want.

Rather than dismissing the child’s feelings, parents can make a habit of naming emotions as readily as they name objects, thereby helping children increase their feelings vocabulary. Also, watching the way a parent models a certain behavior is the strongest way children learn. If a parent calms down when they are upset before they act – or at least talks openly to children about losing their control if they do – this strengthens a pattern in the child of first stopping and calming down, then thinking about their response, and finally picking the best one and trying it.

A careful study of parental relationships and parents’ interactions with children has shown another style of interacting that can help children grow in emotionally sound ways. Researcher John Gottman refers to this as being an “emotion coach.”. This means that parents use opportunities presented by difficult or hurtful emotions, such as when a child has had an argument or experienced a disappointment, to explore the true nature of those feelings and how to work with them constructively. Parents can encourage children to use feeling phrases such as “I feel sad” or “That made me really angry,” to express their emotions rather than simply acting on them. Children need ample opportunities to explore their emotional landscape with the caring adults in their lives.

In my recently published book, Building Emotional Intelligence: Techniques to Cultivate Inner Strength in Children, I offer some practical ideas and strategies for both parents and the children in their care to develop the ability to appreciate silence and stillness by taking regular moments of quiet time together, and as a result, become more skillful in managing stress. The book suggests that families schedule this regular “quiet time” in order to bring balance, replenishment, and calmness into their lives. There is also an accompanying CD with the book that has guided practices for children ages 5-7, 8-10 and 12 and up led by Daniel Goleman . With these materials, caregivers can develop some concrete skills in cultivating both their and their children’s inner strength and emotional intelligence.

Using Building Emotional Intelligence as a guide, parents can teach their children two techniques for enhancing emotional intelligence:

1) Relaxing the body (through progressive muscle relaxation and a body-scan exercise)
2) Focusing the mind (through a mindfulness exercise)

In the early years, children are able to concentrate on quiet activities for about twenty minutes, so varying their experience with the material presented is essential. The process is more important than the outcome or product, although young children are starting to be able to sense the concept of cause and effect. For example, the idea that stress has certain effects in the body is something that they can begin to grasp.

When children notice the flow of their feelings, thoughts, or sensations during the calming exercises, they are developing the ability to draw on that awareness at any time in their lives. When they begin to feel upset and overwhelmed, they may first be able to use one of these techniques to begin to gain control of their emotions and calm themselves down. It is a lot easier for children to talk about why they are upset when they are able to get out of the “stress response” mode. If they are able to notice where in their body they feel this anxiety, they can use their mind to let go of it enough to be able to talk about it and even think of some ways they might solve the situation or feel better about it.

Children have a natural curiosity and sense of wonder about the world around them. As a result, they will probably respond positively - with interest and openness - to the idea of learning new things about quieting the mind and relaxing the body. Likewise, children welcome “alone time” with their parents and enjoy participating in common activities together. At the heart of this experience is the relationship between parent and child. This special kind of quiet time can serve to help children express their feelings and thoughts as well as provide a sense of warmth and safety. Having a regular time to check in with each other helps them begin to voice concerns or deep questions that need a more relaxed atmosphere to be expressed. Also, children of all ages like routines and rituals and repetitive behavior maximizes a child’s learning. Some of the benefits of making these practices a regular part of daily life for adults and children include:

- Increased self-awareness and self-understanding
- Greater ability to relax the body and release physical tension
- Improved concentration and ability to pay attention, which is critical to learning
- The ability to deal with stressful situations more effectively by creating a more relaxed way of responding to stressors
- Greater control over your thoughts, with less domination by unwelcome thoughts
- Greater opportunity for deeper communication and understanding between parent and child, because you are sharing your thoughts and feelings on a regular basis

Take a moment right now and think about a child who is a part of your life, and ask yourself: what is it you really want as a parent or teacher for this child? What are some of your hopes for him/her? A variety of answers will arise, depending on the particular needs, strengths, and challenges of the child. However, whether or not this child will be successful at realizing those hopes is dependent on whether or not we, as the adults in their lives, have equipped them with the inner strength they will need to approach their day-to-day challenges and the big challenges life may throw them. Are they capable of being resilient in the face of obstacles, as well as opportunities? Can they bounce back and even surpass their level of coping when the tests of life come their way?

What a precious gift children everywhere would have if they were equipped with practical tools to help them with emotional regulation as well as to recover faster from stressful situations. The benefits are far-reaching - from better health and increased ability to learn, to more fulfilled and happier lives. May we have the time and the will to give our children that gift.

Linda Lantieri is a Fulbright Scholar, keynote speaker, and internationally known expert in social and emotional learning and conflict resolution. She serves as Director of The Inner Resilience Program, co-founder of the Resolving Conflict Creatively Program (RCCP) and is one of the founding board members of the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL).